Leafs Stanley Cup Sieger '05

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[size=16px]Toronto Maple Leafs Declare Themselves 2005 Stanley Cup Champions[/size]


Hey, a cup is a cup is a cup, right?

The Toronto Maple Leafs--our nation's favourite hockey team--have ended their 38-year championship drought by declaring themselves 2005 Stanley Cup champions.

Leafs' management made the unexpected pronouncement at a press conference called after the official cancellation of the National Hockey League's 2004-2005 season.

While it was assumed the coveted trophy would not be awarded this year, the Leafs' top brass see things differently.

"The Stanley Cup is not the property of the National Hockey League," Leafs General Manager John Ferguson Jr. accurately pointed out. "Thus, we feel that we were well within our rights to claim it. Who's gonna stop us? We're the Leafs!"

And, according to Ferguson, procuring the Cup was rather easy.

"The real Stanley Cup is at the Hockey Hall of Fame, just a couple of blocks away from my office," he explained. "So I just walked over there on my lunch break and asked the security guard if we could borrow the Cup for a while, and he said ‘sure'. Sucker.

"I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner."

"It was great walking down Yonge Street with the Cup and everyone honking their horns at me and cheering. It gave me goose bumps," continued Ferguson. "And it was so much easier than trying to win it the more traditional way, you know, on the...ice, with a team full of 55-year-old men."

But wouldn't it be more fulfilling to win the Stanley Cup the "more traditional" way?

"That's the old paradigm," barked Leafs coach Pat Quinn, who flew in from a six-month golf vacation in Antarctica to celebrate his first Stanley Cup championship. "You have to think outside the box to win championships today."

"I defy you to tell us that we're not the Stanley Cup champions," added a visibly agitated Ferguson. "Tell us that we're not. Look into my four-year old son's eyes and tell us that we're not the Stanley Cup champions. I dare you."

Upon hearing the news, jubilant Leaf fans immediately took to the streets of Toronto to celebrate their team's first cup since 1066.

"YEAH!" said Frank McFrank of Etobicoke, wearing a tinfoil Stanley Cup on his head as he strolled around Yonge Street in a drunken stupour. "I'm not goin' to work for a week!

"Season or no season, someone's gotta get the cup. The cup is ours! Lockout champions 2005! WOOHOO!!!"

Members of the Leafs will be gathering in Toronto for a public rally and parade, once they've all been notified about the Stanley Cup win.

A spokesperson from the NHL's head office in New York said the league is "examining the situation."


[size=8px]Quelle: www.thehammer.ca Canadian Satire, Humour and Hard-Hitting News[/size]

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[size=16px]Riots Breakout in Southern US over Cancellation of NHL Season[/size]

http://www.thehammer.ca/content/2005/0218/riot.jpg

Hundreds of thousands of hockey fans took to the streets in cities across the southern US last night to protest the official cancellation of the NHL season. The uproar sparked riots in hockey hot spots such as Nashville, Atlanta, Miami and Raleigh, NC.

Nashville was hit hardest, as angry fans of--whatever the hockey team that plays there is called--set fires, smashed windows and clashed with police when the official announcement from NHL commissioner Gary Bettman was made Wednesday afternoon.

"Man, this is just so unfair," said Gary McMarberly of Nashville, who described himself as a passionate hockey fan. "This is the worst day of my life. I can't believe the...whatever our hockey team is called aren't gonna have a chance to compete for that...trophy thing this year.

"Me and the three other season ticket holders are just devastated."

Hockey-mad Miami, with the most rabid fans in all of the NHL, has also been hit hard by the lockout. In fact, more than five people have noticed there's been no NHL hockey this year.

"In my office, people were openly weeping when they heard that the entire NHL season was being scrapped," said ‘diehard' Florida something-or-other supporter Elaine Nashbrook of Coral Gables, Florida. "This is a dark day for hockey in the tropical United States."

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[size=16px]Stanley Cup Allegedly Assaulted by Bettman, Goodenow[/size]



NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and National Hockey League Players' Association (NHLPA) Executive Director Bob Goodenow are the subject of a criminal investigation following a complaint made by the Stanley Cup.

In a statement made to New York police, the 113-year-old trophy said the two men--who were in New York for the 647th (and thankfully, final) attempt to salvage the 2004-05 NHL season--"assaulted" the venerable Stanley Cup in a "lewd manner" in a New York hotel room last Saturday night.

"The three of us were together in my room, having a couple of drinks, when suddenly, things turned quite...ugly," said the Cup. "Gary and Bob told me nobody would believe me if I told on them, because nobody even cares about me anymore."

The Cup held a press conference in New York City yesterday. While it refused direct comment on the matter, its lawyer spoke on its behalf.

"Over the years, the Stanley Cup has had a lot of things done to it...thrown in swimming pools, tossed into snow banks, and been licked and/or kissed by pretty much every germ-ridden yokel in all of Canada. But enough is enough," said prominent Manhattan attorney Charles M. Jacobin, who is representing the Stanley Cup. "Just because these are big--well, at least in Mr. Goodenow's case--big, powerful men in the midst of ruining professional hockey, it doesn't mean that they're above the law."

Questions, however, have been raised regarding this alleged incident. Perhaps the most obvious one is, what was the Stanley Cup doing in New York in the first place?

Sitting silent at the press conference, Stanley Cup shows clear signs of neglect and abuse.

"We're not going to get into that kind of blame-the-victim game," said Jacobin. "It's the Stanley Cup, the most recognizable and cherished trophy in all of sports, that's the victim here."

Furthermore, what were Goodenow and Bettman--who, by most accounts, can't stand one another--doing together in a hotel room?

Again, the Stanley Cup's lawyer refused to shed any light on this question, nor would he discuss the specifics of what the two men allegedly did to the Cup on the night in question.

"That will all come out at the appropriate time," indicated Jacobin. "Once we've sold our story to Montel, or maybe Maury Povich."

For their part, both Goodenow and Bettman are refusing to talk to the press about the supposed incident or their apparent behind-the-scenes chumminess. However, a spokesperson for the NHL, who requested anonymity, hinted that the Cup is just looking for a cash payoff and some attention, "because it can't stand the fact that it's not gonna get any face time this spring."

NHLPA Junior Executive to the Senior Executive Vice-President Ernie Nabchuk told reporters that he has been assured "that what happened in that hotel room with the Stanley Cup was consensual."

Oops. I've said too much," continued Nabchuk. "Now I'm gonna be looking for a new job, just like Mr. Goodenow."

As for the people really getting screwed in all of this--the hockey fans--an air of resignation appears to have settled in. "I don't know. It's like Bettman and Goodenow actually get off on kicking us fans in the gonads," said Archie Bourbon at Jockstrap's Sports Bar in suburban Ottawa. "Now shut up, curling's on."